Friday, November 18, 2011

LIGHT

We're driving to the store, and Anastasia says "My jaw isn't hurting."  As I've mentioned before she has an OCD issue with "tracing" things she sees with her teeth....sort of grinding her teeth together in the various outlines.  Obviously, this means she is clinching her jaw all the time and for a couple of years (while I chased a psychiatrist) she complained of pain.  That was the first little glimmer....I realized, the meds are kicking in!

And, sure enough, she went to the mall, and when I picked her up, and watched her walk toward the car, I noticed that her posture was different....willowy, not stiff.  And, then, she wanted to show me something in the back yard - and she grabbed my hand.  The only physical contact we've had in the past five months has been me hugging a cold, stone statue, or her aggressively bumping me "by accident".  Here was her soft hand, grasping mine. What a hope-filled feeling!

She began to make eye-contact.  She no longer said, "Go die" when  passing me.  Best of all, she got up one day and said, "Where's my math book?" and since then, has been assiduously studying Algebra. 

It was truely like watching a girl made of ice, melt.....and a real girl appear.  And with the "real" girl, there are feelings running through those veins.  Instead of those angry, snide and snarky comments, there are sincere and painful questions:  "I don't understand why everyone leaves me."  One afternoon she called me on the phone, crying, "I miss him.  I miss my real daddy."  She has begun to dwell on her father, who did show her some true love (one piece of which was allowing her to be adopted, as he told me himself.)  But, that is a hard bit for her to understand. 

And, we have a therapist.  Miss Julie is wonderful, and began therapy with Anastasia's "Life Story".  I am learning a lot I didn't know, despite all her previous sharing and my previous questions.  Until the medical expense account kicks in, in January, we can only afford [barely] an every-other-week visit, but I hope for some real progress soon.

Huge, huge mountains to climb.  But, at least we're not still part of the glacier.

20 comments:

thisjourneyofmylife said...

Oh Annie, this post made me cry! I've thought about (and prayed for) Anastasia a lot lately and I'm so happy to hear such wonderful news!

FaerieMama said...

Annie, this is so beautiful. I remember watching my Nastia "melt" like this when she finally started medication. But I never could have found such a beautiful away of sharing it. THANK you!

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

That is amazing and fantastic and I am SO glad to read it!

Now, go kick that last psych who said she was just a pain in the neck kid without medical needs. Or I will, gimme directions. LOL.

Milena said...

I'm thrilled to hear about Anastasia's progress! So hoping you'll be able to go every week! Thank you for sharing these happy news with all of us who care about you.

:)De said...

I am happy for both of you. You all deserve the reprieve of healing.

MamaPoRuski said...

I too am misty this morning reading the post! YEAH! Go God! Go Anastasia!
As she begins to thaw there will be new emotions and issues but she will finally be able to start processing the healing.
What a sweet feeling that hand hold was-kind of like a first kiss you will never forget!
YEAH!

Trauma Mama T said...

So glad to read this post. What a blessing. Please enjoy this change. Pray for me to be able to relax enough to enjoy the reprieve I'm experiencing, too. With a med change, I've seen a difference in my son as well, but I'm still on high alert, always waiting for a (figurative) sucker punch that shows me how naive I still am.

Last Mom said...

I am so happy to read this! Thank you for sharing. I am all teary! Yay for Anastacia! Yay for you!

MyGirlElena said...

Happy News for sure! You deserve this!!

Hevel said...

I'm so so happy for the positive change and I hope and pray it will continue for both of your sakes!

Nora said...

Wonderful news!!!! I love that girl to bits. When did you speak to her father???

Annie said...

Nora - When Anastasia had been with us a couple of years, I sat down with her to call her older brother, Viktor. It turned out that Viktor was at his grandmother's apartment, but no one was there except himself and the grandfather. Nastya talked to Viktor and her grandfather a bit, then Viktor went over to her father's apartment to get him. She talked to him and I listened; she was too shy to say much, so I took the phone and told him how well she was doing, that she was a good student and that we loved her dearly. He told me that he wanted for her to have a good family. That was about it. My Russian isn't up for too many subtleties, unfortunately.

Rachael said...

Oh, Annie, I am so glad for you! And her! I hope she will continue to heal.

Molly said...

Oh you don't know how happy this makes me. I feel for her, I really do. OCD SUCKS and I know how nice it feels to not have your head full of obsessions and compulsions. It's such a weight lifted. Go Anastasia go!

Sarah said...

Oh, that is fabulous! Definitely something to give thanks for.

Lindsay Mama to Nine said...

My goodness...I am late in the game, but so giddy, and teary eyed reading this. What a blessing. What a true example of why our kids need medical intervention, why they need help replacing chemicals their brains are simply not producing yet...LOve you...love her...just beyond grateful and touched reading this post...LOVE YOU!

Cléo said...

Light, indeed :) Life will be lighter and brighther for Anastasia and you as a family. Happy read!

Hevel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeffrey's Wife said...

I read this post while sitting on the bus heading to work and by the end of the post, I was grateful for the cold weather and my scarf because otherwise I'd have arrived at work with my eye liner running down my face! How exciting!

MaryK197 said...

In the past three days I have read your blog from the beginning; I truly admire you and all you are doing. Your generosity in sharing is appreciated. Your kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity is to be admired. I am interested in knowing more about the young man you fostered, who left, and where he is now. Give yourself a pat on the back for being such a nice person. I know you are going straight to heaven. And, as a former employee of the Catholic Church's Religious Education Program, I am so happy and pleased to see the wonderful way you address this eduction.
I will continue to follow you and your amazing family.