WHAT I'M FEELING

I miss him. All the warm feelings I have for Maxim flood over me a few times a day, and make me almost feel like crying....

Yet.....I worry that he might want to come back.

I feel as though God has placed this boy in my care and I will always feel responsible for him... Sometimes I ask myself - Do I have some "savior complex"? Am I trying to be heroic? I hope not....but in the end, I just feel that I can't let someone be worse for knowing me.... I want him to feel, not rejected by me - but led by me to this better situation. If it doesn't work out, I feel I must be there for him. But it is a worry, that responsibility....because balancing his needs and those of the other children is nearly impossible.

Our counselor suggested that I waste no time moving rooms around. She didn't need to say that! Anastasia was into Maxim's room in a flash, and Ilya was down into her room. These last few days we've been painting the trim pink. Took down the awful heavy curtains that he insisted I buy to keep light out during the day. I love sunlight coming into a room! And little did I know that he'd not just occasionally want to play video games in the light of day - but nearly non-stop! I have a sort of puritan abhorrance of watching TV, movies, or playing video games while the sun is out and something active can be done!

I miss him at dinner time. Though he was the first one to complain if I made something he didn't like - he was the most vociferous in praising everything he did like, and thanking me profusely. He particularly liked for me to make hamburgers, and when I made them last night I swear I felt guilty for serving them without him.

I happily put some Diet Cokes in the fridge, knowing that I'd actually be able to get one when I went back. I'd had to completely stop buying soft drinks, because Maxim would go through them so quickly....and carelessly, sometimes taking one sip and leaving the rest. I even tried hiding them, but if he found the hiding place, he wouldn't hesitate to clean me out. And to add insult to injury, the cans could be found all over his room, empty, half-full, spilled on the carpet.

Sergei seems notably happier and lighter. The biggest difference is in Ilya. He is suddenly interacting with me so much more. He is doing his best to be a "good boy"....making his bed, cleaning up after himself, watching out for me. I hadn't realized the extent to which he was hiding in the corners.

But, the house seems empty without Maxim's energy. Is also feels safer and calmer. Had I almost gotten accustomed to that sense of impending storm?

He called me the other night from the distant state where his new family took him on vacation. He had begged me to not make him go on the trip, it was "too soon" he pleaded. And, I could feel for him...taking off in a car with virtual strangers.... Since they were going to visit the grandmother and aunt and uncle, Maxim interpreted this as some sort of formal introduction to the family. Perhaps Mr. P tried to make it seem like that as a way to be welcoming, but I assured Maxim that they were going on this trip anyway, and since he was there, he'd be going too...and I thought he'd like it! He loves traveling. I really think it was the "introduction" part that had him scared - as though the trip was in celebration of a commitment that he wasn't quite ready to make. He told me on the phone, "These are really nice people. It's not as bad as I thought. It's good."

So I was so glad to hear his voice - his best voice - warm, relaxed, safe, happy, sweet. Of course he was asking for something. Minutes for his phone. Sheesh.