TRANSITION - I THINK, (Part II)

The intense one

A couple of you dear blog friends have big families.... nine or eleven children....some from adoption, some biological...but in both cases (and in every other large family blog I read about) I never hear about the children resenting one another. Particularly the adopted children resenting one another! Yet, it doesn't seem so surprising that it could happen. Adopted children, in particular, might well have a kind of "love deficit" that makes them need, crave, long for one-on-one, totally devoted attention from their parents.

From day one, Maxim craved this kind of attention from us - particularly from me. I think this might have been the genesis of his never-ending claim that he was embarrassed by "all these kids". And, as I have written before he is a master at getting what he wants....not by manipulation (though he can manipulate!), or through bad behavior....but just through force of personality, I think. Of course the child who is enthusiastically involved in every sort of sport and activity would seem to draw to himself the resources to support these activities...and the focus of the adults in his life. For Maxim it was vital that I saw every basketball, baseball, football, soccer game, every track meet, at home and away. He made it seem so natural a wish!

And it is surely the child who hangs on your every word, who asks you for advice (and takes it!), who begs for help with homework - surely that child will claim your attention and warm your heart, too. The child who asks so urgently, the child who expresses gratitude so warmly will tend to get what he wants. Maxim could do it all. I felt torn, sometimes, and wouldn't quite know how to handle situations. I'd just call the younger children for our bedtime read-aloud...Maxim would come to the door and beg for a "legal guardian talk" (his words exactly)....and when I pointed out that the little ones were waiting, he'd plead gently, "Oh, please, Mrs. Kitching....just for a moment; I need your advice." So, I'd go in for a moment....and come out to find the littles asleep. That was a typical sort of pattern. I'd start to look at their homework....Oh, Mrs. Kitching, could you help me for just a minute? He longed for my attention; they were trying to escape it. Those are some of the obvious things....but in every way Maxim seemed to become the focus of the household. Yet; it wasn't a bad thing, necessarily. There were problems - theft, a lot of disrespect of property, rule-breaking, but things were going moderately well, until we went to get Ilya.

Now, Maxim knew from day one that Ilya was "expected". He had no problem actually saying things like, "Why do you need him?" Toward the end of the year, when our court date was nigh, he actually began to be a little threatening about it. "If you go to Russia, Mrs. Kitching, you'll be sorry."

When we came home I was sorry. It was while we were away that he took up smoking - and he admits he did it to hurt me! Worse yet, after a while he lured Ilya into smoking too. This is only something Ilya explained to me lately. He'd smoked before, of course, but never regularly - until Maxim pulled him into it.

For the first school year that Ilya was with us, things were tense. Maxim and Ilya would get into physical altercations. And, about this time Maxim underwent a sorrowful experience that comes to many teens, I suppose..... a realization that the dream he'd developed (of being in the NBA) was not going to be a reality. His coach more or less told him during summer league that he was a "project" and might not make the JV team. For a boy who had told himself he'd make Varsity, and whose best friends would make Varsity, this was a heart-wrencher. Then came the fall soccer season and its upset. Bit by bit, Maxim became depressed; he became addicted to xbox. School faltered...no longer was he begging me for help. In fact he was not doing homework at all. I tried everything and fell short of helping him. Because his other behaviors were enough for me - smoking (and in the house), stealing, bad language, basic disrespect to everyone and everything at home. About this time Gwen came into our lives and said that she agreed with Maxim - he needed a new family. Because - even in the good times - he never stopped saying this.

As, I previously said, she located a family and one night last October, Maxim and I went to their house for dinner. A very quiet family - a family that makes ours look almost rowdy. Musicians all. A pastor, his wife who gives piano lessons, their grown daughter who is a music teacher at a Christian school. Very quiet, very peaceful, very Christian people. Further (as far as I could see) along the continuum of a family that Maxim would not fit into. Yet, he was drawn to them in some ways. We got into the car after the first dinner and he said, "Mrs. Kitching, if I lived with them, I'd be a better person." I agreed - I would too!

He spent a few more evenings and afternoons with them - he became intrigued by some surprising features - the pastor's motorcycle, the ping-pong table in the basement, the mom's good cooking. Though one day he actually suggested that perhaps all the other children could go live with this family, and he could stay with me...eventually he agreed it was a go. And the family, too, liked him and began the process to become licensed foster parents. ..... Ha!

Here is my rant! WHY would anyone in this state - or certainly in this area of the state, advertise for people to become foster parents when it is nearly impossible to do so??? This family contacted several agencies... Finally, they received from DHS, a letter giving instructions that they should attend a series of required classes. Right. Every class in the series listed had already taken place! That was all the response they ever got! They called; I called; the counselor called. We were told that Maxim could not even spend a night at their house unless they had an initial home visit done. Could we get anyone to do the home visit? No! Finally, his own caseworker did it (not her job; it was supposed to be done by a "licensing worker"). But it would "get things rolling". Ha! Things never got rolling.

I won't describe all the ins and outs. But long story short: they changed his category (on paper only) from "adoptable" to SIL (Semi-Independent Living) only because this way his new family would not have to be licensed as foster parents.... So, now he has a whole new set of "workers", and a whole new "agenda"...an agenda that is offensive to me and to his new family, who want to be a family for him. They want to teach him the things an adult needs to know - not have some "worker" from the state come in and do it.... But that's what happens when the state takes over. He might as well be living in a group home with a bunch of delinquent teens....the state is blind. SIL is SIL.

So, Thursday was the day, finally. He was depressed, anxious. I was depressed, anxious. He'd changed his mind by this time (didn't you see this coming?) But, I assured him that what was done was done, that though I love him, he really doesn't "fit" with our family. I point out how his grades slipped, how he'd not succeeded in quitting smoking. I said, that I was clearly not the right adult to help him. But he would always be in my heart, he would always be a part of our family... we'd call him, invite him over when we had nice food, take him to Russian school. His new family is only a half-mile or so from our house.

Funny, he spent Thursday night with them, then called me early Friday morning, reminding me that I'd promised I'd take him for coffee. So, I picked him up....he spent the time begging me to not make him go on vacation with them this week. (Actually, I thought the planned trip was just what he needed to help him bond with them, away from us.) After I dropped him off at his new house, he apparently got on his bike and drove right over to our house. Then a Russian friend of the boys' came over, and of course if "M" was there - he'd have to stay the night! So while "M" was with us, he stayed, finally going "home" on Sunday....and now, presumably he is with them on vacation.

Yes, I miss him. My stomach turns every time I realize he isn't with us. It is as though 2 or 3 family members are gone - he had the energy of that many people. But, Sergei and Ilya, in particular are so relieved. Little did I realize how he'd been "running the show" with them - taking their things, monopolizing their games, their rooms, their belongings....as well as their mother. He thought nothing, apparently, of strong-arming them out of their privileges, their money, whatever he wanted.

As I think of Maxim I really think that he missed out on some of the critical lessons that people usually learn when they are toddlers and preschoolers - taking turns, everything is not yours, sharing, respecting others' property. In some ways he is very moral - almost moralistic, but in those basic ways he is amoral. Instead of learning to respect others, he was learning that he could not expect to get what he needed unless he took it, or got it for himself. And that is the way he lives life. Frankly, I think Maxim will make a marvelous politician some day.

Meanwhile, I feel as though I am actually starting over with my family. So many things I let slide. I realize now that I wouldn't enforce certain rules because I knew that I could not make Maxim comply. I didn't give Ilya, in particular, the mothering he needed. Wish me luck. And Maxim, too....