FIND ME ANOTHER FAMILY, Part 1

Hanging on

When Maxim came to us three years ago it was at the pleading of D. at our agency. "Just for a couple of weeks - a month at most. There are several families interested in him."

He had been through two disruptions, and really, now that I know him very well, and know much more about those situations....neither should have happened. That's MY opinion. Maxim did nothing to deserve it.

But....somehow those other families promised by the agency didn't come through. One adopted another boy from a disruption through their agency. Another got their referral for an 8 year old in Russia. When Maxim had been with us for a year, we took him to meet the third family. They were a great fit for him! Active, sporty, attractive, disposable income. But by this time Maxim had a great set of friends and a school he loved. He didn't want to leave our city.....and they lived in one of the most beautiful places in Michigan. Oh, well. I had to admire his priorities.

Maxim is a boy who has given us an enormous amount of challenges, which I wrote about here and here and here. (and in many more) But I do love him and see so many amazingly wonderful qualitites in him. Our first year together was really pretty good. He was a good student; he was polite, parents, teachers, everyone loved him. There were some meltdowns related to his anxiety about abandonment. But, with God's help we began to work through those and it was so rewarding to see him work with me to make real progress.

Yet, from the very first he begged me to find him another family. "I don't fit in this family." What did he mean by that?

Well....he's a kid. I think he meant that we didn't have the money he wished we had, We don't have that "liberal" lifestyle that includes lots of "entertainment" and social life. We don't lavish ourselves or our children with "stuff".....unnecessary clothing, electronics, etc. I never felt boring until Maxim came....and actually he has stretched us a bit. We now go to movies more than once every few years! I've made a few "indulgent" purchases such as the trampoline

I think he meant that our "focus" is more on work, study, church, home....and not on sports teams, recreation, travel, etc.

I think he meant that our tastes are different. I don't believe a house full of antiques charms him.

I think he meant that energy levels are not the same. Sergei is a "fit"....he was just telling someone that his idea of a perfect evening is puttering about his room, looking up tutorials regarding little electronic or mechanical experiments on youtube, trying them. That's so akin to my puttering about with an embroidery project, or Anastasia rearranging her "babies", or Zhenya in a corner playing with his toy soldiers. Maxim would rather DO SOMETHING. Go to the health club, swim, go to a game, etc. His only form of quiet activity is playing video games.

But "find me another family"? When the families that the gency had in mind, one by one disappeared from the picture, I settled in to thinking Maxim was "ours". We asked him to be adopted by us. That's when he started articulating all the more clearly that he "didn't fit". He'd frequently say, "I don't like all these kids; it's embarrassing." Frankly, I never quite figured that one out. We're Catholic, for heaven's sake! One of the girls in his class has eleven siblings! Having a big family is not unusual in the setting in which he now finds himself....so I figured he was really trying to say something else. The best I can come up with is that he wants more attention. I think he has a deficit of attention from babyhood and is driven to "make it up". One of the great challenges of parenting (or more precisely "fostering") him is this need he has to monopolize my attention....particularly if another of the children needs it. So....I agreed; perhaps he did need another family and I put out tentative feelers.

Someone would compliment him effusively (for example the lady who came to school to do a presentation on Right to Life) - I actually said...."He is a great kid, and if you'd know anyone interested he is looking for a new family...." That sort of thing happened more than once. Oddly, whenever the person would show interest, I'd run them by Maxim and he'd always react like I'd suggested he live with the dogs at the shelter. "Mrs. R! Mrs. Kitching! Are you kidding? I couldn't live with her! That would be too embarrassing!" or some such. Eventually, I realized that his "new family" would have to be completely new. No one we knew. I broached the agency....but you can imagine how it is......a home for a teen boy is not easy to find, and this teen boy seemed situated, whereas I am sure she usually had a more urgent situation on her caseload.

Enter our Family Counselor. After Ilya came to us, and Maxim's behavior (see links above) came to be detrimental to our family happiness, I searched out a family counselor. (Wouldn't one think that the "people from the state" - the foster care workers, DHS would have helped with this? Forget that!) Anyway, Gwen is magnificent. After talking to everyone she came to the conclusion that Maxim needed precisely what he said he needed - another family. She pulled some strings, talked to some people, and within a few weeks a family had been located! A local minister and his wife.

As this is getting looooong, and is primarily exposition, I will stop here and finish in the next post!