THOSE CLUMSY QUESTIONS

Zhen asked - do you love me as much as if I came from your tummy? Yes, Zhen - I couldn't love you more.

Just read a very nice post by one of my favorite bloggers. Favorite, because of the sweet love and absolute delight Maria expresses as she talks of her daughter Elena. Their relationship is just so heartwarming and dear, and it is a joy to watch that precious little girl grow (and glow) under her doting mama's care. I started to comment to her latest post, but realized I was writing a post of my own! So, I decided to write it on my blog, not hers. :)

Like Maria, I've received some less than stellar questions - many are clumsily spoken and that doesn't bother me too much, really. People undoubtedly say "your own" kids because they just haven't thought or read about adoption enough to realize that "biological kids" would be a more accurate and less offensive way of speaking. I've had a harder time with people who clearly have a prejudice against adopted children. A woman at the Christian bookstore, no less, all but asked me straight out if I wasn't worried about "genetic illness". And what did she mean? FAS? Actually, from her stumbling explanation, when I looked at her blankly - it seemed more like she thought my child might be the spawn of an ax murderer, and this trait might.....be...... GENETIC! Truly - it was horror, more than curiosity or concern in her voice. I was so stunned, both at her idea and that she actually expressed it, and in this Christ-oriented place, that I really don't even recall how I responded. I do know I don't go there any more!

But for the most part, I really try to be open and understanding when people speak clumsily and answer the underlying question rather than respond to the graceless presentation. The older I get the more I understand that people rarely TRY to be offensive. They simply don't understand, and perhaps they want to - which is why they ask. Maria's questioner really asked a more important question: Is there any difference for you in having adopted your daughter? Is there some part of you that wants to have a biological child? Now, I know for a fact (having talked to one) that there ARE women who have adopted who still want a biological child, so that is not a completely stupid question.

But it is easy to be offended when we know the love we have for our child, and don't want either our love or the bond to be questioned in any way - but questions like this are our big chance to share our "mother-love" in such a way that we become an advertisement for adoption!

Also, people are different. And people grow and change. A person who might not think of adopting, can change! This reminds me of a big change in attitude I experienced regarding childbirth. I had Aidan via c-section. And more than anything on earth (it seemed) I wanted to have natural childbirth with my second child. I had a midwife, I went to a distant town so I could have an obstetrician who was a believer in "v-bac" - a vaginal birth after cesarean. When I found out that I was going to have another c-section, I remember sobbing my eyes out all night with disappointment. At that time in my life that really mattered to me. I really wanted to experience giving birth. I was devastated that I didn't get the chance. I do not quite know why I felt this way; but I sure did! (Amusingly, I remember when my feelings finally did an about-face - a woman in church looked at Lydia - particularly at her head and with horror on her face said, "I hope you didn't give birth to her naturally!" I, in turn, looked at Lydia's enormous head and all of a sudden realized that God had surely been watching out for Lydia and me! And that's only part of it - when they did the c-section they discovered that two layers of stitches had torn (I'm not quite sure about how the body is put together, but suffice to say that had I gone into labor it would have been a catastrophe). So, my point of view changed 100% comparitively quickly. Had I gotten pregnant again, I would have scheduled that c-section with glee.

All to say that becoming a mother means a lot of different things to different woman at different times for different reasons. Those of us who are happy adoptive mothers know that we love our children with a love so powerful it couldnt' be increased! But, I do think that there may be some adoptive parents out there who do not bond with their children. [I am fairly convinced, though this is another post, that some "RAD" is attachment disorder on the parents' part, not the child's.] I have also known for a period of time, a mother of three who truly was not bonded with her youngest child. I think she struggled with this for quite a while, then - to my horror - decided to give voice to her feelings - she tried to do it humorously, but it made my blood run cold; I can't describe how horrible it felt to hear her speak so disparagingly about a cute little girl. Perhaps she thought by talking about her feelings, that she could get help...or it gave release to something within her. I lost track of her about the time her daughter turned four. I have worried ever since about that family, as I cannot imagine how a child could develop into a happy, balanced person when she was openly rejected by her mother.

All this is to say that the permutations out there are endless. We can't ever presume that other people feel the way we do. But, when it comes to adoption - particularly the amazing, overwhelming, uplifting, transforming love that we can feel for our adopted children - I am going to share that every chance I get!!!