boys "socializing" at Babushka's. Maxim is home...doing what? If I could start all over again, I would change one thing: I would not allow "electronics" into the house. I remember now writing a previous post on this topic when I was vastly less disturbed by it. Time has passed; things have changed.
I've heard different points of view about computer game play. (A woman in our parish has even done research proving the salutary and wholesome benefits.) I even have some different impressions myself, all jumbled up together, but over all "electronics" - as in electronic games, has not contributed to the happiness and peace of our home.
Yes; it brings the boys together. Perhaps playing xbox live even helped Ilya with his conversational English in a way less stressful than school. But - have you noticed how few photos I post of Ilya? It is because he refuses to let me take his picture for some reason. So the fact that I stood in the same room and took this one is clear evidence that even this paltry handgame has power.
Of my four boys, I would say that only Sergei can "take it or leave it". He enjoys playing Runescape; and he enjoys some xbox games. But he enjoys them in moderation, and will play awhile then do something else. Ilya and Zhen are fine without games, but when electronics are available, they get sucked in so powerfully that they lose all track of time; then they have to be forced to do something else....if that makes sense. And they are all crotchitiness and irritation. They'll "give me lip" as my grandfather would say.
On the far end of the spectrum is Maxim. I believe he is addicted. I can see he is using it for self-medication (like an alcoholic uses alcohol) so controlling it is nearly impossible to fight. When his xbox broke and had to go for repairs I was elated, until I realized that he was determined to wrest control of Sergei's from him - and not only the xbox - his room, for that matter. When Sergei would get sick of it and complain, I'd suggest getting rid of his xbox (the attractive nuisance) altogether since he didn't play it that much. "But I do like to play it mom! And I bought it myself."
Yes; that "wise" bit of parenting - making them earn the money for this stuff, and buy it themselves - rather backfired. I don't feel I have the same control over these items as I would if they'd been purchased by me. Had that been the case I could simply say, "These have not turned out to be the pleasant diversion I imagined; I'm selling them and buying a bocce ball set." No; by taking them I'd undoubtedly be undermining their sense of the value of hard work - and definitely creating enormous animosity. Particularly in Sergei's case, as he does not abuse it. If I had more money, I'd try to bribe them. "Give me the xbox and we'll go to Russia for a visit!" or "Give me the xbox and I'll put up a basketball court in the back yard!" But these things aren't in the budget.
Maxim does abuse it. And abuse leads to abuse. Back when he first got it, he asked me to buy him some "minutes" or whatever it is. No big deal - I think it was twelve dollars for three month's play. It wasn't until later, and he'd become addicted that he used that registered credit card to buy over $300 worth of "stuff" from xbox Live. I'm not an idiot. Wouldn't any reasonable parent immediately think - "He'll have to sell the xbox to pay me back." But I got some advice from one of our counselors who felt that it was better to just shut off that income source, and let him keep the xbox. In her view he is using the xbox to deal with the high level of anxiety he's feeling and xbox certainly beats some more typical self-medications - particularly for a boy who comes from alcoholic parents. Unfortunately, I fear she is right.
So, here I am with this non-stop constant source of "problem" of one sort or another:
- He wants to play all night and sleep during the day.
- He fails several classes because he was on xbox and not doing homework.
- He takes a different credit card from my wallet, and buys more xbox stuff (I didn't even know the darned Sears card WAS a Mastercard!)
- He refuses to stop and come to dinner, then I come down to do the midnight teaching and find the mess he's left in the kitchen feeding himself when the rest of us are sleeping .
- He physically restrains me as I attempt to remove the router when going to work - on a day when he claims to be "sick".
Everyone suggests "counseling".....but there is only so much counseling will do. "Counseling! Counseling! Get him counseling!" Counseling is like trying to put out a fire with a thimbleful of water. They intention is good....but that may be about the best you can say about it.
So I'm back to wishing I'd been struck by lightening the first time I walked into GameStop. Of course, I'm now remembering...had that been the case he'd just still be addicted to watching TV all day and all night..... Quite honestly, as I wrote this it all came back to me! That's why we don't have TV! That's why I cut off the cable! I gave up Masterpiece Theatre for Maxim's good - and what did it get me?
It is from the frying pan to the fire with him.
9 comments:
Having gone through this with our own ADD son, now 23, I can only say that it is a constant battle, but one that must be waged with gentleness and understanding. As with every other thing one tries to teach one's children, only the constant drip of parental talking and accountability can aid life skills success despite the addiction. I would try to get agreement on consequences in advance when he was feeling the need to be more responsible (e.g., after failing a test and feeling bad). Then when the time came to administer the consequence, I would try to get buy-in for the need. ("You agreed to this, remember?")
I also watched absolutely every academic responsibility like a hawk, and would literally sit in the same room and ensure things got done. Frankly, I have dedicated a large portion of my life ensuring HS and now impending college graduation. However, for any class, failure is only a couple of weeks of my inattention away. He will fall down and play Risk all night and then fail a test unless I am right there. Some family members say such molly coddling isn't good, but he seems to do well in jobs where bosses hold him accountable. So, if the degree helps him, all of my helicoptering will have been worth it. Also, since brain development in the area of impulsivity takes until age 25, I am hoping there will continue to be improvement by then, and I am hoping to land him in the best spot possible when that time arises. He moved out for a year and flunked one college program, but agreed to move back to get the support he needs. He needs to see you as his helper against an addiction, not an enforcer. At least that is my opinion, and when our son gets his diploma, no one will be more proud than I, and no one will know better how hard it was for him to achieve. Hopefully you can do some of the same for Maxim.
Sherry
Wow, I do not know what to say. I would have suggested that you take the X-box away from Maxim and make him pay you back, but then again, I am not raising older troubled adopted boys. I so feel a connection with you and could see our families getting together for a barbecue. Annie, the fact that you and I blog means that there is no way we are going to get electronics out of the house without looking like complete hypocrites. Monitoring their use and having authority to say that tonight is fmaily night and not a no electronic evening would be a great compromise.
Oh Annie, I wish I had some good advice but never having lived through what you are experiencing doesn't give me any good advice. I feel so badly that you are having to deal with all of this by yourself.
I am saddened by this, too. I think of how much of a dependence I have on certain computer-related social tasks. I can imagine how dealing with a lot of disappointment in real life would drive a person to the computer more and more. It really is like a drug.
My parents protected us in childhood only through strict rules... although, once we had our own computers and went to college, we had to face the temptations on our own.
With the adopted girls, our family computer was password-protected.
I think you are doing a good thing in making certain sacrifices, like TV. It seems like when it's an addiction for someone, it's good to take away the temptation when possible. But like Christine said, it's hard to completely cut out electronics since they're such a normal part of life now.
I'm sorry you are going through this. :(
I also understand (as Christine says) only too well! And, the higher my stress level, the more I find myself "checking the e-mail" or taking a break to check "just one blog". It's hard, yes!
TV has never been much of a draw for me except for the aforementioned, Masterpiece Theatre. But I would really be a nervous wreck without NPR. I almost can't do household chores without the radio on. My mind won't work right; I get confused and distracted.
I guess my bottom line questions are: Does it make you more productive? Happier? or Does it interfere with the things you really need to be doing? And, how much does it interfere? It comes back to the need for "moderation in all things".
Wish I had some great words of advice here. My boys are somewhere in the middle...if I let them they'll play all day. So I don't let them. But they're 7 and 11...and I bought the system (kicking myself big time for that one!)
Instead, I'll send up some prayers for you to have the wisdom needed to handle it. ((hugs))
How awful to have to give up masterpiece theater. Jonny and I have started ordering old ones on Netflix. We are addicted, but only watch in moderation, because we don't have much t.v. time.
Poor Maxim, poor Annie. I don't know how you do all you do!
Trip over it with a glass of water in your hand.
Late last night after I read this, I was watching a rerun of Boston Legal and wouldnt you know, they had a case about a boy who died from over gaming. They said he had a heart attack from not moving, eating, drinking or sleeping for 36 hours so he could play a video game.
YES, I know that is a tv show and not a pediatric journal of medicine but a heck of a coincidence!
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