WHAT I'M FEELING

I miss him. All the warm feelings I have for Maxim flood over me a few times a day, and make me almost feel like crying....

Yet.....I worry that he might want to come back.

I feel as though God has placed this boy in my care and I will always feel responsible for him... Sometimes I ask myself - Do I have some "savior complex"? Am I trying to be heroic? I hope not....but in the end, I just feel that I can't let someone be worse for knowing me.... I want him to feel, not rejected by me - but led by me to this better situation. If it doesn't work out, I feel I must be there for him. But it is a worry, that responsibility....because balancing his needs and those of the other children is nearly impossible.

Our counselor suggested that I waste no time moving rooms around. She didn't need to say that! Anastasia was into Maxim's room in a flash, and Ilya was down into her room. These last few days we've been painting the trim pink. Took down the awful heavy curtains that he insisted I buy to keep light out during the day. I love sunlight coming into a room! And little did I know that he'd not just occasionally want to play video games in the light of day - but nearly non-stop! I have a sort of puritan abhorrance of watching TV, movies, or playing video games while the sun is out and something active can be done!

I miss him at dinner time. Though he was the first one to complain if I made something he didn't like - he was the most vociferous in praising everything he did like, and thanking me profusely. He particularly liked for me to make hamburgers, and when I made them last night I swear I felt guilty for serving them without him.

I happily put some Diet Cokes in the fridge, knowing that I'd actually be able to get one when I went back. I'd had to completely stop buying soft drinks, because Maxim would go through them so quickly....and carelessly, sometimes taking one sip and leaving the rest. I even tried hiding them, but if he found the hiding place, he wouldn't hesitate to clean me out. And to add insult to injury, the cans could be found all over his room, empty, half-full, spilled on the carpet.

Sergei seems notably happier and lighter. The biggest difference is in Ilya. He is suddenly interacting with me so much more. He is doing his best to be a "good boy"....making his bed, cleaning up after himself, watching out for me. I hadn't realized the extent to which he was hiding in the corners.

But, the house seems empty without Maxim's energy. Is also feels safer and calmer. Had I almost gotten accustomed to that sense of impending storm?

He called me the other night from the distant state where his new family took him on vacation. He had begged me to not make him go on the trip, it was "too soon" he pleaded. And, I could feel for him...taking off in a car with virtual strangers.... Since they were going to visit the grandmother and aunt and uncle, Maxim interpreted this as some sort of formal introduction to the family. Perhaps Mr. P tried to make it seem like that as a way to be welcoming, but I assured Maxim that they were going on this trip anyway, and since he was there, he'd be going too...and I thought he'd like it! He loves traveling. I really think it was the "introduction" part that had him scared - as though the trip was in celebration of a commitment that he wasn't quite ready to make. He told me on the phone, "These are really nice people. It's not as bad as I thought. It's good."

So I was so glad to hear his voice - his best voice - warm, relaxed, safe, happy, sweet. Of course he was asking for something. Minutes for his phone. Sheesh.

TRANSITION - I THINK, (Part II)

The intense one

A couple of you dear blog friends have big families.... nine or eleven children....some from adoption, some biological...but in both cases (and in every other large family blog I read about) I never hear about the children resenting one another. Particularly the adopted children resenting one another! Yet, it doesn't seem so surprising that it could happen. Adopted children, in particular, might well have a kind of "love deficit" that makes them need, crave, long for one-on-one, totally devoted attention from their parents.

From day one, Maxim craved this kind of attention from us - particularly from me. I think this might have been the genesis of his never-ending claim that he was embarrassed by "all these kids". And, as I have written before he is a master at getting what he wants....not by manipulation (though he can manipulate!), or through bad behavior....but just through force of personality, I think. Of course the child who is enthusiastically involved in every sort of sport and activity would seem to draw to himself the resources to support these activities...and the focus of the adults in his life. For Maxim it was vital that I saw every basketball, baseball, football, soccer game, every track meet, at home and away. He made it seem so natural a wish!

And it is surely the child who hangs on your every word, who asks you for advice (and takes it!), who begs for help with homework - surely that child will claim your attention and warm your heart, too. The child who asks so urgently, the child who expresses gratitude so warmly will tend to get what he wants. Maxim could do it all. I felt torn, sometimes, and wouldn't quite know how to handle situations. I'd just call the younger children for our bedtime read-aloud...Maxim would come to the door and beg for a "legal guardian talk" (his words exactly)....and when I pointed out that the little ones were waiting, he'd plead gently, "Oh, please, Mrs. Kitching....just for a moment; I need your advice." So, I'd go in for a moment....and come out to find the littles asleep. That was a typical sort of pattern. I'd start to look at their homework....Oh, Mrs. Kitching, could you help me for just a minute? He longed for my attention; they were trying to escape it. Those are some of the obvious things....but in every way Maxim seemed to become the focus of the household. Yet; it wasn't a bad thing, necessarily. There were problems - theft, a lot of disrespect of property, rule-breaking, but things were going moderately well, until we went to get Ilya.

Now, Maxim knew from day one that Ilya was "expected". He had no problem actually saying things like, "Why do you need him?" Toward the end of the year, when our court date was nigh, he actually began to be a little threatening about it. "If you go to Russia, Mrs. Kitching, you'll be sorry."

When we came home I was sorry. It was while we were away that he took up smoking - and he admits he did it to hurt me! Worse yet, after a while he lured Ilya into smoking too. This is only something Ilya explained to me lately. He'd smoked before, of course, but never regularly - until Maxim pulled him into it.

For the first school year that Ilya was with us, things were tense. Maxim and Ilya would get into physical altercations. And, about this time Maxim underwent a sorrowful experience that comes to many teens, I suppose..... a realization that the dream he'd developed (of being in the NBA) was not going to be a reality. His coach more or less told him during summer league that he was a "project" and might not make the JV team. For a boy who had told himself he'd make Varsity, and whose best friends would make Varsity, this was a heart-wrencher. Then came the fall soccer season and its upset. Bit by bit, Maxim became depressed; he became addicted to xbox. School faltered...no longer was he begging me for help. In fact he was not doing homework at all. I tried everything and fell short of helping him. Because his other behaviors were enough for me - smoking (and in the house), stealing, bad language, basic disrespect to everyone and everything at home. About this time Gwen came into our lives and said that she agreed with Maxim - he needed a new family. Because - even in the good times - he never stopped saying this.

As, I previously said, she located a family and one night last October, Maxim and I went to their house for dinner. A very quiet family - a family that makes ours look almost rowdy. Musicians all. A pastor, his wife who gives piano lessons, their grown daughter who is a music teacher at a Christian school. Very quiet, very peaceful, very Christian people. Further (as far as I could see) along the continuum of a family that Maxim would not fit into. Yet, he was drawn to them in some ways. We got into the car after the first dinner and he said, "Mrs. Kitching, if I lived with them, I'd be a better person." I agreed - I would too!

He spent a few more evenings and afternoons with them - he became intrigued by some surprising features - the pastor's motorcycle, the ping-pong table in the basement, the mom's good cooking. Though one day he actually suggested that perhaps all the other children could go live with this family, and he could stay with me...eventually he agreed it was a go. And the family, too, liked him and began the process to become licensed foster parents. ..... Ha!

Here is my rant! WHY would anyone in this state - or certainly in this area of the state, advertise for people to become foster parents when it is nearly impossible to do so??? This family contacted several agencies... Finally, they received from DHS, a letter giving instructions that they should attend a series of required classes. Right. Every class in the series listed had already taken place! That was all the response they ever got! They called; I called; the counselor called. We were told that Maxim could not even spend a night at their house unless they had an initial home visit done. Could we get anyone to do the home visit? No! Finally, his own caseworker did it (not her job; it was supposed to be done by a "licensing worker"). But it would "get things rolling". Ha! Things never got rolling.

I won't describe all the ins and outs. But long story short: they changed his category (on paper only) from "adoptable" to SIL (Semi-Independent Living) only because this way his new family would not have to be licensed as foster parents.... So, now he has a whole new set of "workers", and a whole new "agenda"...an agenda that is offensive to me and to his new family, who want to be a family for him. They want to teach him the things an adult needs to know - not have some "worker" from the state come in and do it.... But that's what happens when the state takes over. He might as well be living in a group home with a bunch of delinquent teens....the state is blind. SIL is SIL.

So, Thursday was the day, finally. He was depressed, anxious. I was depressed, anxious. He'd changed his mind by this time (didn't you see this coming?) But, I assured him that what was done was done, that though I love him, he really doesn't "fit" with our family. I point out how his grades slipped, how he'd not succeeded in quitting smoking. I said, that I was clearly not the right adult to help him. But he would always be in my heart, he would always be a part of our family... we'd call him, invite him over when we had nice food, take him to Russian school. His new family is only a half-mile or so from our house.

Funny, he spent Thursday night with them, then called me early Friday morning, reminding me that I'd promised I'd take him for coffee. So, I picked him up....he spent the time begging me to not make him go on vacation with them this week. (Actually, I thought the planned trip was just what he needed to help him bond with them, away from us.) After I dropped him off at his new house, he apparently got on his bike and drove right over to our house. Then a Russian friend of the boys' came over, and of course if "M" was there - he'd have to stay the night! So while "M" was with us, he stayed, finally going "home" on Sunday....and now, presumably he is with them on vacation.

Yes, I miss him. My stomach turns every time I realize he isn't with us. It is as though 2 or 3 family members are gone - he had the energy of that many people. But, Sergei and Ilya, in particular are so relieved. Little did I realize how he'd been "running the show" with them - taking their things, monopolizing their games, their rooms, their belongings....as well as their mother. He thought nothing, apparently, of strong-arming them out of their privileges, their money, whatever he wanted.

As I think of Maxim I really think that he missed out on some of the critical lessons that people usually learn when they are toddlers and preschoolers - taking turns, everything is not yours, sharing, respecting others' property. In some ways he is very moral - almost moralistic, but in those basic ways he is amoral. Instead of learning to respect others, he was learning that he could not expect to get what he needed unless he took it, or got it for himself. And that is the way he lives life. Frankly, I think Maxim will make a marvelous politician some day.

Meanwhile, I feel as though I am actually starting over with my family. So many things I let slide. I realize now that I wouldn't enforce certain rules because I knew that I could not make Maxim comply. I didn't give Ilya, in particular, the mothering he needed. Wish me luck. And Maxim, too....

NEW HEADER

You know I hate new headers.

I don't know that I can stick with this one. I think the softer look reflects my personality better.

What do you think?

FIND ME ANOTHER FAMILY, Part 1

Hanging on

When Maxim came to us three years ago it was at the pleading of D. at our agency. "Just for a couple of weeks - a month at most. There are several families interested in him."

He had been through two disruptions, and really, now that I know him very well, and know much more about those situations....neither should have happened. That's MY opinion. Maxim did nothing to deserve it.

But....somehow those other families promised by the agency didn't come through. One adopted another boy from a disruption through their agency. Another got their referral for an 8 year old in Russia. When Maxim had been with us for a year, we took him to meet the third family. They were a great fit for him! Active, sporty, attractive, disposable income. But by this time Maxim had a great set of friends and a school he loved. He didn't want to leave our city.....and they lived in one of the most beautiful places in Michigan. Oh, well. I had to admire his priorities.

Maxim is a boy who has given us an enormous amount of challenges, which I wrote about here and here and here. (and in many more) But I do love him and see so many amazingly wonderful qualitites in him. Our first year together was really pretty good. He was a good student; he was polite, parents, teachers, everyone loved him. There were some meltdowns related to his anxiety about abandonment. But, with God's help we began to work through those and it was so rewarding to see him work with me to make real progress.

Yet, from the very first he begged me to find him another family. "I don't fit in this family." What did he mean by that?

Well....he's a kid. I think he meant that we didn't have the money he wished we had, We don't have that "liberal" lifestyle that includes lots of "entertainment" and social life. We don't lavish ourselves or our children with "stuff".....unnecessary clothing, electronics, etc. I never felt boring until Maxim came....and actually he has stretched us a bit. We now go to movies more than once every few years! I've made a few "indulgent" purchases such as the trampoline

I think he meant that our "focus" is more on work, study, church, home....and not on sports teams, recreation, travel, etc.

I think he meant that our tastes are different. I don't believe a house full of antiques charms him.

I think he meant that energy levels are not the same. Sergei is a "fit"....he was just telling someone that his idea of a perfect evening is puttering about his room, looking up tutorials regarding little electronic or mechanical experiments on youtube, trying them. That's so akin to my puttering about with an embroidery project, or Anastasia rearranging her "babies", or Zhenya in a corner playing with his toy soldiers. Maxim would rather DO SOMETHING. Go to the health club, swim, go to a game, etc. His only form of quiet activity is playing video games.

But "find me another family"? When the families that the gency had in mind, one by one disappeared from the picture, I settled in to thinking Maxim was "ours". We asked him to be adopted by us. That's when he started articulating all the more clearly that he "didn't fit". He'd frequently say, "I don't like all these kids; it's embarrassing." Frankly, I never quite figured that one out. We're Catholic, for heaven's sake! One of the girls in his class has eleven siblings! Having a big family is not unusual in the setting in which he now finds himself....so I figured he was really trying to say something else. The best I can come up with is that he wants more attention. I think he has a deficit of attention from babyhood and is driven to "make it up". One of the great challenges of parenting (or more precisely "fostering") him is this need he has to monopolize my attention....particularly if another of the children needs it. So....I agreed; perhaps he did need another family and I put out tentative feelers.

Someone would compliment him effusively (for example the lady who came to school to do a presentation on Right to Life) - I actually said...."He is a great kid, and if you'd know anyone interested he is looking for a new family...." That sort of thing happened more than once. Oddly, whenever the person would show interest, I'd run them by Maxim and he'd always react like I'd suggested he live with the dogs at the shelter. "Mrs. R! Mrs. Kitching! Are you kidding? I couldn't live with her! That would be too embarrassing!" or some such. Eventually, I realized that his "new family" would have to be completely new. No one we knew. I broached the agency....but you can imagine how it is......a home for a teen boy is not easy to find, and this teen boy seemed situated, whereas I am sure she usually had a more urgent situation on her caseload.

Enter our Family Counselor. After Ilya came to us, and Maxim's behavior (see links above) came to be detrimental to our family happiness, I searched out a family counselor. (Wouldn't one think that the "people from the state" - the foster care workers, DHS would have helped with this? Forget that!) Anyway, Gwen is magnificent. After talking to everyone she came to the conclusion that Maxim needed precisely what he said he needed - another family. She pulled some strings, talked to some people, and within a few weeks a family had been located! A local minister and his wife.

As this is getting looooong, and is primarily exposition, I will stop here and finish in the next post!

IGNORANT, INNOCENT OR SIMPLY JURY-READY?

I never saw a Michael Jackson video. Only the bits they've played on the radio made me confident I'd heard him sing.

I've never seen Jennifer Aniston in anything. Or Angelina Jolie. Or Katie Holmes. Or Brad Pitt.

I never have seen Friends.

I never saw the planes hit the towers. Or any other visual from 9-11.

I never saw the Rodney King video.

I've never seen Spongebob, though we did have a Spongebob bowl.

I never saw a Little House on the Prairie episode, though I have read all of the books at least twenty times.

I never saw a Star Trek episode.

I wonder if anyone will still be my friend when they know how radically weird I really am.

COLLAPSING GROUND

A few people have asked how my job is going. I honestly haven't been able to answer. Have I had my head buried under the blankets? Not been able to think for all the rumbling beneath my feet? Just been unable to put my fear and trembling into words? Probably all of these and more. I am not actually sure I can do it now.

Things seem one way. People say they are one way. This piece and that piece might not fit together quite right. Then, you realized that the reality is not at all what you have been led to expect.

I think I am finally beginning to understand why.

To recap: The two Catholic parishes in my city will be merged.....as of July 1. Forget that one has prided itself on being traditional and orthodox, the other on being accepting of all people and ideas. (I hope that is a good way to put it - obviously, I am with the first parish described.) We underwent at least nine months wondering if we'd have a job. Interviews were held. I eventually found out that I was hired for my own position. In fact, with one exception, all of the full-time staff was kept. But, some inner voice told me not to rejoice too heartily. The situation was too uneasy. (Even disregarding the caveat that though all full-time staff were re-hired....it was only for a year. Another year of anxiety to face.)

The biggest immediate blow was that it was only full-time people that were retained. I have always chosen to divide my "full-time" assistant position into two part-time people. Because the pay is pretty low, that has allowed me to always have two assistants who are educated, mission-driven, capable, enthusiastic people. (Stand up and take a bow, Jen! One of my former assistants is now a blog-friend.) Usually my assistants have been moms who have found this part-time job with flexible hours precisely what they want. And they have been friends, too, not just employees but supporters. This has made my job really wonderful for all these years. No more. I'll have a ten-hour a week intern. I think that is as much like another responsibility as actual help.

And then - my other colleagues began dropping like fleas. Or, is the image more rats fleeing a sinking ship? Not long after the announcement was made, our parish administrator (Lydia's godfather) "retired". He was offered a more suitable part-time job with the diocese. Then the principal, who had become a really valued colleague, announced that her husband was offered a new position and they would be moving. (He had a standing offer to take this position....but they'd stayed because of her job.) The people who had been music ministers here for over 35 years were given their walking papers. We were already losing our pastor. The sense of loss and unease grew.

Then my closest colleague, the man I have shared a building with for twenty-four years, decided that things were too uncomfortable for him, too....that he'd rather "risk it" on retirement and the hope of some part time work, than take the stress.

This leaves me, and one woman over in the parish office, as the only pastoral staff remaining from our parish.....the pastor and all the staff from the "other" parish are moving in here. Yes; it feels uncomfortable. But it is more than just staffing.

I think I've finally figured it out. In my time here, we have had three different pastors, and an interim pastor. It has been relatively easy transitioning from one to the other. But, the situation was completely different. HE was coming into "our" place. The pastor was stepping in to manage a ship that was running smoothly. When he found things he didn't like, they might be changed over time, incrementally. The presumption has always been that we are doing our jobs well...carry on. This time, the pastor is already administering half the parish....and he has been there long enough to get things there precisely as he wants them. Of course, he now expects to get this "other" half of the parish "in line".

So, the names by which we've called things for all these years must be changed. The registration procedures that I have perfected over all these years so that they work just the way I need them to work - must be changed. I understand how he feels. If I were him, I'd be just the same. But I am also beginning to understand that I didn't keep "my" job - I got a new one. That just looks like my old one. My sense of being capable and qualified, respected for how I do my work - all gone. I am feeling very uneasy.

EXTENDING FAMILY

My distant "granddaughter" Julianna.

I have mentioned before that I don't have many relatives. I grew up in a wonderful, but small nuclear family, wishing all the time that I had about twelve brothers and sisters - or (strangely) that I lived in an orphanage surrounded by children. I had/have only a very few cousins and of those, I saw only three or four of them when we traveled back to Iowa a couple of times a year. I was playing with "imaginary siblings" until I was twelve, at least!

Since I've been grown up, I've not even seen my distant and unknown cousins, and have resigned myself, for many years, to a very. quiet. life. At least as regards family! All the more so when my brother died from hemochromotosis at a young age, and then when my dad passed away a couple of years later.

But all was not lost! When it seemed that my own family would be small, the miracle of adoption enlarged it. And now, it seems to be extending itself again......

I was so pleased and heartwarmed to get the following letter from Sergei's sister, Nadia:

Hello my Dear relatives. How are you? How is your health? How did Seriozha do in school this year? Dear Annie, please can you tell me when your birthday is?

... I am very happy that Seriozha has wonderful parents like you. You have become like relatives for me, too. You are very kind people. Seriozha is very lucky. I would like to have the same parents, too. This is so wonderful when you have parents. I know how bad life is without them. Very often Julianna is asking me, "Who's on this photo?" I will explain to her, "This is your Uncle Seriozha and your grandmother Annie." Then she asks me "When will they come to visit us?" I explained to her, "They live in America very far away from here." Julia is a very sweet girl. ... We wrote this letter together. She says she loves you, Uncle Seriozha and Grandmother Annie very much! She asks Seriozha to please listen to your mom and dad. Love them and help them. Please remember us. We always look for your letters.

So, we can tell one thing for sure (which makes me love her) - Nadia is a doting mother! It really does make me happy to think that I have these new family members....even if they are far away. I hope so much that we can visit them some day. The time may come! [The money may come.] Meanwhile, we have the chance to communicate a bit, for which I'm grateful.

I cannot imagine what their life is like. I'd hatched a plan to bring Nadia and Julianna over here for a visit. But a Russian friend, and intermediary, told me that I simply didn't understand. That even getting out of their tiny settlement is difficult for Nadia - just buying food is hard for her. Getting to the place where she would obtain a passport and a visa would be near impossible, to say nothing about paying for it. Of course, we'd pay for it, but I can see that the logistics are too difficult right now. And I've no way of helping with those.

So, I hope that someday we can visit her. She is in the Rostov region - not in an area of Russia where I know anyone, so it would be quite an adventure, indeed! I'll keep my fingers crossed that someday it will be come a reality.